Xavantina and The Curse of the Black Pearl
by Aiwendil X
Summary: Shameless Maeglin Yedi styled Mary Sue-parody . Imagine waking up onboard the Black Pearl. Not a serious fanfic. SLASH. JackWill and various others hinted
1. Default Chapter

Xavantina and The Curse of the Black Pearl  
  
Author: Xavantina  
  
Rating: R for now.  
  
Pairings: WT/JS and others...  
  
Summary: Shameless Maeglin Yedi styled Mary Sue-parody . Imagine waking up onboard the Black Pearl. Not a serious fanfic.  
  
Warnings: Swearing. Slash. Stuff.  
  
***  
  
Chapter One: Wake up and smell the pirates  
  
I hate ships. They are crowded and I always get seasick. I hate the smell of sea water too. It makes me nauseous. I crack open an eye and look around. It's dark, and I can't actually see anything. Interesting. I went to sleep at home and now I am in some dark place that feels like a ship (it's rocking) and smells of saltwater and... I sniff again. Alcohol. What the hell?  
  
I stand up and try to get something to make just a little bit of sense. I take a step and immediately lift my bare foot from the floor. Ew, there's something very sticky. I decide that I don't want to know what it is. Stepping around it I start making my way left. Or towards left, at least. Damn, the person who made this wooden floor should be fired. It is not suitable for bare feet. I realise that it's pretty chilly here too. If only I knew where here was. Finally I bump into something. I feel around and discover that it is barrels. And next to them there is a chest. And I move on, hands running along a rough wall. The floor rocks again, and I almost stumble. I'm on a boat all right. And starting to panic.  
  
That's when the door opens. I stand totally frozen like a deer caught in the headlights. "Wha' the 'ell are ye' doin' 'ere?"  
  
I open and close my mouth several times, but no sound comes out. Holy shit, fuck and a lot of other curses run through my mind. The dude is dirty. And ugly, and I can smell him from where I'm standing, and his clothes are... Oh my God. He looks kinda familiar though, but I have no time to think about that. He moves to grab hold of me, and I don't feel like being grabbed. So I jump past him and sprint as fast as my legs can go. Which is not very fast, because there's stairs in the way. I add stairs to the list of things I hate.  
  
I almost fall twice, but the sound of the guy behind me keeps me going. And finally I get out. And I stop dead. I'm on a ship all right. And it's night, explaining why it was so dark down there. And guess what, there are skeletons all over. What seems like hundreds of them. And I scream. Loudly. In hindsight probably a bad move, because now they all noticed me. Skeletons. Pirate skeletons. I'm dreaming. I feel like laughing and going back down where I came from. Because this is obviously just a very realistic dream. It feels very real, but honestly it can't be. So there.  
  
Something cold and hard wraps around my neck. Hands it would appear, and soon I'm pushed against a wooden surface by a very big skeleton. Very big. I feel almost certain that it's Bo'sun. That almost makes me giggle. But that fact that he just started squeezing my throat, lifting me off the ground and I can't breathe puts a damper on my funny-mood. "Who are you, and how did you get onboard?"  
  
It's hard to answer that big boy when I can't breathe. And even if I could breathe, I don't know it myself. So, enter the panicking feeling again. I try kicking the pirate, but he doesn't seem very moved by the gesture. The other skeletons draw close around us, cheering and they suddenly seem a lot more scary then they did on the DVD. I'm seeing black spots for my eyes now. I find myself thinking, 'What would Jack do?', and it is enough to get my brain working again. "Parley."  
  
Bo'sun stops squeezing, and I repeat, "Parley," my voice a little more ragged.  
  
"Cease that. She invoked the right of parley," a voice commands, somewhere nearby. Sounds familiar too, but I'm too grateful to care. I feel like hugging that person to death. But when Bo'sun lets go of me, I fall to the ground, gasping for breath and coughing{?} madly, so I can't really do that.  
  
"Aye, sir," Bo'sun skeleton sneers, and steps away from me. I look up at him and it really looks like he's about to step on me. Luckily he doesn't, because then I would have tackled him. Which would surely lead to my death. And I don't want to die.  
  
"'Ello lass."  
  
I cough a final time and look up "Nice hat," I comment, my voice still raspy. Why the hell did I say that?  
  
The pirates (is it just me, or are they getting scarier?) laugh loudly while Barbossa seems to be slightly interested. Yeah, I figured that it was Barbossa. Having seen the famous 'start believing in ghost-stories'-scene a hundred times. Also, Jack the monkey skeleton in sitting on his shoulder. "'Ow did you get onboard this ship?"  
  
"I don't know," I choke out, aiming for pity, "I was in my bed at home, and then I woke up here. I didn't mean to be here."  
  
It seems like the captain doesn't give a fuck.' here. Reading skeletons facial expressions is hard, but that would be my guess, anyway. "What's ya name?"  
  
I consider what to reply. Real name? No, I don't feel like sharing that. "Xavantina Holm."  
  
"Unnatural name," he says in the suspicious voice.  
  
"It's Brazilian," I comment, "You can call me Xavan if you want to."  
  
"Kill her."  
  
Okay, I'm officially scared now. Bo'sun steps forward again, apparently wanting to do the job. "Wait. I know stuff."  
  
Barbossa had turned to leave, but turns back to give me what appears to be a mocking look. "Really? I see no use of ya'."  
  
"I know about the Curse. And the Aztec gold," I cry desperately. "I know where it is. The last piece." Seeing that they are still cursed, I guess they're looking for Elizabeth's piece. Maybe more, what do I care. Frankly, I don't care about who I might end up hurting right now, I just want to live.  
  
And Barbossa is looking interested now. I choose to take that as a good sign. "Pintel, Ragetti, show the lass to the guest quarters." He looks around the deck, "Rest o' ye dogs, back t' work."  
  
While the pirates immediately do as ordered, I am forcefully hurled to my feet by two others. I just hope that 'guest quarters' isn't the same as the brig. You never know with pirate slang...  
  
When we go out of the moonlight, I suddenly remember who is handling me. I snap my head to the left, then to the right. Oh God, fangirlish moment. Pintel and Ragetti. Then again, they kill people. They might be comic relief on the screen, but they also kill people. They are pirates, and they could easily kill me too. "Nice cutlass." I have a thing about saying the wrong stuff at the wrong time.  
  
Pintel stops abruptly. Ragetti on the other hand doesn't, which results in me almost falling over when he keeps puling me along. "Wha' did ya say?"  
  
"I was just admiring your cutlass," I say, trying to make myself seem really small.  
  
Pintel blinks and stares at me for a second. Then he grins, showing off teeth that would give any dentist nightmares for years, "It could cut ye 'ead off, like it was made o' butter." On my other side Ragetti giggles.  
  
I gulp. "Good to know."  
  
Turns out that the guest quarters aren't the brig, for which I'm very grateful. It's a small cabin, not nearly as nice as the one Elizabeth got, but I'm totally happy about it. "Don' go anywhere," Pintel orders, showing me in a little less then nicely. "There' be clothes in a while."  
  
I must have looked as confused as I was, because Pintel laughs at me, then looks me up an down. I do too. Hmmm, I see his point. Snoopy night-gown. The door closes and I hear a lock being turned. So I really am a prisoner, just in a decent room.  
  
Who am I kidding anyway? The madras is hard, and there's no bathroom, and no windows either. I feel like throwing a claustrophobic fit, but figure that it won't do me any good.  
  
I had myself installed on the bed, trying to find meaning in all that happened, when someone unlocks the door, and then knocks. I frown and carefully grant them entrance.  
  
Ragetti. Wooden eye rolling in its socket. And he has a dress with him too. I gasp softly. It's the dress Elizabeth got. No way in hell I am gonna fit into that. "Forget it," I mutter out loud.  
  
Ragetti is obviously confused, "Forge' wha'?"  
  
"I can't fit into that," I answer honestly, ignoring the urge to cry. Because things are just getting worse every second.  
  
"Sure 'ye can," Ragetti says, looking from the dress to me and back. He grins. Teeth just as bad as Pintel's, I note. I feel the need to brush mine.  
  
I look as sarcastic as I can, "Do I look that thin to you?"  
  
He eyes me up and down. The fact that he only does this with one eye, while the wooden one doesn't move for once, creeps me out a little. "Ye look fine to me."  
  
I repress the urge to run over and hug him, and take the dress. "Turn around, I'll prove it." Surprisingly enough he does as I ask. I try wiggling into the dress, and find that I can just close it. But my boobs are almost falling out. Bet the pirates won't mind, though. But I'm having trouble breathing already. "Ya see?" I turn, giving Ragetti a triumphant look.  
  
Judging from the look on Ragetti's face, I don't think he minds that the dress is very tight across the chest. This might just be the key to my escape. If only we weren't in the middle of the ocean... I decide to work on my escape-plan later. For now I just settle on giving Ragetti a very dirty glare. He is pretty oblivious to it, so I clear my throat and snap my fingers, "Yo, Rags, eye up here." I giggle a bit at my own joke, before noticing that the pirate is staring at my face with a mix of confusion and suspicion.  
  
"'Ow do ye know me nickname?" He asks.  
  
Damn. Oh right. "I heard Barbossa call you..."  
  
"'E didn' call me Rags."  
  
Okay, who died and gave this pirate a brain? This is no fun, "A lucky guess then," I tried, crossing fingers behind my back.  
  
It worked. Ragetti changed his stance to a more relaxed one, leaning against the wall, "Only Pintel calls me Rags."  
  
I tried to keep the slashy thoughts out of my head, because honestly I don't like Pintel/Ragetti slash. In the way that I think it's cute, but Jesus... I don't wanna think about them doing it. I shudder, but put on a small smile, "Can I call you Rags?"  
  
I wished he wouldn't smile that broadly. Those teeth!! "Sure ye can lassie."  
  
Great. I'm a dog. "Don't call me Lassie, please." Ragetti looks like he's thinking harder then he has for a while. "Xavantina," I say helpfully, "But if I call you Rags, you call me Xavan."  
  
"Savan," Ragetti mutters to himself.  
  
I decide not to correct his slight mispronunciation. I do feel better, 'cause his IQ doesn't seem very high at this moment. It gives me a bit of comfort. "Get some sleep, Savan."  
  
I smile kindly at him, and almost say 'you too'. But then I remember that cursed pirates probably don't sleep. Oh well, "Thanks, Rags."  
  
I vote against trying to get out of the dress again, and with some adjusting I manage to lie down on the very uncomfortable madras. Maybe if I go to sleep, I'll wake up back in my room. Without smelly pirates, and dresses that are way too small.  
  
*** 


	2. Chapter 2: Pirate Life for Me

Xavantina and The Curse of the Black Pearl  
  
Author: Xavantina  
  
Rating: R for now.  
  
Pairings: WT/JS and others...  
  
Summary: Shameless Maeglin Yedi styled Mary Sue. Imagine waking up onboard the Black Pearl.  
  
Disclaimer: Every single pirate, monkey, blacksmith and navy-guy belong to Gore Verbinski, Disney and some other people, I'm sure. Too bad, isn't it?  
  
Warnings: Swearing. Slash. Stuff.  
  
***  
  
Chapter Two: Pirate Life for Me  
  
I wake up feeling really bad. Dizzy and definitely seasick. Lack of oxygen, I think to myself. The dress is not made of something that stretches. Dress? I'm still on the boat. Sorry, ship.  
  
Someone is knocking rather impatiently on the door. I swear inwardly and stride over to the door. Just when I am a foot from it, it swings open. Hitting me square in the face. I stumble back, cursing loudly in Danish, holding my nose and fall right on my ass. Damnit, this hurts. Hopefully it isn't broken because then I am gonna kill whoever opened that door. I glare up and find Pintel and Ragetti staring at me wide-eyed.  
  
"I told you to wait for 'er to ge' it," Ragetti said, giving his friend a sullen glance.  
  
Pintel snorts, and offers me a hand. I wrinkle my nose at it. A mistake it would seem, because that really hurts. I accept the hand. And I am not prepared when Pintel forcefully pulls me up. So I stumble into him. Holy Mary, Mother of God, these guys really stink. Pulling back without gagging too much, I glare angrily at him. I can't help but smile when I notice Ragetti's worried look though.  
  
"I'm fine, Rags," I say offhandedly. Pintel frowns a bit, giving the other pirate a curious look. Then he looks at me again. And down... And his eyes stop moving. Christ, have these people never seen tits before? "Stop staring at my breasts, Mr. Pintel. Why are you two here?"  
  
The two of them seem to suddenly remember their purpose, "Captain Barbossa wishes to see you at breakfast with him."  
  
Not that I have any idea how I am gonna fit anything besides me into this dress, but I nod obediently. Looks like the smartest decision. "Lead the way."  
  
I can't help myself when I get into Barbossa's cabin. I gasp loudly. Food!! Not as much as the impressive dinner Elizabeth was offered. But holy hell, for someone who doesn't eat, he sure keeps a lot of food around. The bad boy himself is sitting at the dinning table, smiling in a way that I would normally find creepy. But right now it only serves to make me feel nostalgic. I'm like Elizabeth here. With breakfast. And boobs way too big for this dress. Barbossa takes note of this too, but I don't have to snap my fingers to get him to look elsewhere.  
  
Who would have thought bread could taste this good? I munch on it happily, and when the Captain offers me an apple I take it without question. Of course, it's a bit absurd and I suspect that Barbossa's obsession with apples is only fuelled by me eating them, but I just don't care. I do notice him looking at me longingly while I eat, almost like he tries to taste everything again through me. For a second I actually feel sorry for the poor guy.  
  
"Was the meal... satisfying, Miss Holm?"  
  
I give Barbossa a look out of the corner of my eye, "Very nice, Captain. Do you want to discuss business now?"  
  
Barbossa chuckles. "Indeed. You know about our curse, I deduce?"  
  
I nod, chewing on a mouthful of apple. "Aztec gold. 882 identical pieces. Big bad curse, all must be put back." I swallow the last bite of the apple and put the remains on my plate. The dress is feeling a bit too tight. "Something like that?"  
  
Barbossa smiles, his sunken eyes glinting, and I get chills down my back. "You know where the final piece is," he states. "How?"  
  
I have yet to figure out how to explain that one. I dart my eyes around the cabin, looking at Jack the Monkey for some time. He is making chewing motions. "I just do. But you would find out soon anyway." I suddenly realise that I could totally fuck the story up if I led the Black Pearl to Port Royal before time. What if Jack hadn't arrived yet? Now, how do I convince a bunch of cursed pirates to wait for the ripple effect in the water?  
  
"Is that so?" Barbossa asks, fascinated.  
  
I nod again, "Yes. It's in a city. I can tell you were but..." An idea quickly takes shape in my head. "You can't attack before I say." Barbossa is about to interrupt, but I continue, "Otherwise you will never get it." It's true in a way. They'll have to go through Elizabeth's rooms to get it anyway. So in a way, I'm not lying. In a way. Somehow.  
  
Barbossa sits in silence gazing out the window for a minute or so, while I try shifting about in my chair to sit more comfortably. Damn this dress to hell. The monkey is making small chipping noises that are beginning to unease me.  
  
"I have decided to trust you, Miss Holm." I almost fall off my chair when he says that, but luckily I don't. "But if it comes to a situation where it is revealed that you have been lying..." He looks at me in a way that leaves no place for misunderstandings.  
  
"I'll die a terribly ugly death," I finish and stand up, "I assure you I have no desire to die, Captain Barbossa." Placing my napkin next to my plate, I politely inquire, "Can I return to my cabin?"  
  
Barbossa smirks. "I think you should have some more comfortable accommodations." I barely have time to wonder about whether this means he's throwing me in the brig now, he gestures around his cabin. "Would this be satisfying?"  
  
Ooookay, reality check, "Where would you be, Captain?" I ask, trying not to bounce.  
  
"I'll manage." He smiles, and I have to admit that the guy is seriously scary. Suddenly the rape fics I read seem likely, and I mentally remind myself to get some kind of weapon. Just for comfort, even though it wouldn't do any good at all. "Where, Miss Holm?"  
  
I take a deep breath. "Port Royal."  
  
Barbossa smiles at me, reminding me of when he got the medallion from Elizabeth. I smile back thinly; suddenly worried if I made the right choice. "Thank you for your help, Miss Holm. Follow me please."  
  
I have a sudden sense of panic. I'm gonna be killed now or worse. Stupid, stupid, stupid decision I made there. But I follow Barbossa without a word. Walking out in the Caribbean sunlight, the Captain quickly gets the attention of the entire crew, "MEN!! Miss Holm here is a guest on our ship. My guest." He looks around threateningly, like he's willing them to try and argue. "If she is hurt in any way, you will pay dearly."  
  
I let out the breath I've been holding. Suddenly I actually feel all fuzzy inside. Barbossa doesn't want me hurt. Yay for me. Okay, it might be because he wants to make sure I'm telling the truth and if I'm not he's going to kill me very painfully, but what do I care? I'm a guest. "You two," Barbossa commands, gesturing at Pintel and Ragetti, "Are in charge of her."  
  
I'm a bit insulted now, but Ragetti's bright smile, although disgusting, makes me fell fluffy inside once more.  
  
***  
  
"And this is the gun-deck." Ragetti has gone into full travel-guide mode. I have spent two hours walking around the Black Pearl, and I'm sure I should now know everything there is to know about ships. If only I could remember any of it. Wait, I remember that the mast over there is the mizzen mast. Or was it that one? Also every pirate on the ship has now ogled me and my front side. I hate this dress.  
  
"Can we go up on the helm?" I ask, pointing like an eager child. Barbossa is playing Captain up there, looking all high and mighty, Jack on his shoulder and everything.  
  
Ragetti scuffles his feet, looking uncertain. But when I turn to gaze up at the helm again, Barbossa has noticed me. My hand is still pointing. I quickly drop it, and smile nervously. He inspects me for some time then gestures for me to join him. I pause but Pintel none too gently shove me forward. I need to have a chat with that guy. Anyway I make my way to Barbossa, because it seems like the smartest thing to do.  
  
"Are you enjoying yourself, Miss?"  
  
I nod politely, "It's a very nice ship, Captain."  
  
He grins. "A real pearl."  
  
I miss my toothbrush, I miss my toothbrush. "So, where..." I stop talking as Jack the Monkey suddenly jumps over to sit on my shoulder, "are we exactly?" I end, and try to act calm. A monkey can scratch out your eyes, you know.  
  
"A little off San Juan," Barbossa responds, checking his compass. Yeah, that's a fat help, partner. "Four days from Port Royal," he adds, smirking smugly. Old git.  
  
"Ah," I say, trying to sound a little smarter then I've managed so far. I carefully pet Jack the Monkey, and he makes some kind of sound that I think is positive. At least the monkey likes me. I think.  
  
The view is nice out here, though. I take a deep breath, and find that the smell of saltwater isn't making me all that sick anymore. I lean over the banister taking it all in. And all of a sudden I notice that most of the pirates have stopped doing stuff and are now staring up at me. What the...? I catch Pintel's eye. He nods down and does an impression of breasts with his hands. I am about to giggle when the message sinks in. I look down. They have fallen out so to speak. I hate this dress.  
  
***  
  
Day two is going a little bit better. I start the day playing a nice game of hide and seek with Jack the Monkey. Turns out the little beast has a like for shiny stuff, and my necklace is very tempting, apparently.  
  
I find out that there was a bit of coffee down in the hold, and everything seems to improve from there. Water can be boiled over candles and life is good again.  
  
I spend a good part of the morning listening to Ragetti telling pirate stories, and Pintel teaches me how to slice a throat perfectly. Just for self defence of course.  
  
Around midday I decide that I can't hide in Barbossa's cabin forever, and go outside, taking a cup of coffee with me. Twigg winks at me. I calmly give Pintel my coffee and then smack the offending pirate so hard his neck almost snaps. None of the rest even dare to look at me.  
  
I make my way to the forecastle (I smile and give myself a mental backslap for remembering something besides poop deck, mizzen mast and cock boat), Ragetti and Pintel close behind. They take the job of protecting me very seriously it would seem. It's not like I would jump overboard, boys. I get my coffee back from Pintel, and close my eyes. Wind in my hair, coffee and a perfect sky. I am starting to like this journey a lot more then I did to begin with. "I like it out here," I say, throwing a glance back at my bodyguards, "It's wonderful."  
  
They look depressed. Oh right, the Curse. Can't feel anything. I feel a twinge of sympathy and choose to change the subject, "Let's go back in and I'll teach you two how to play tic-tac-toe."  
  
They seem not to mind and start walking back towards Barbossa's cabin. I look at the ocean one more time, and turn to follow them. And bump into a solid body, spilling all my coffee on the person. Who is black and has no shirt on. I gulp and prepare to be backhanded very hard. Not like he'll care about Barbossa getting pissed.  
  
But Bo'sun only glares at me. He looks just about pissed off enough to throw me overboard, but he doesn't. I quickly scuffle after Ragetti and Pintel, shooting nervous glances over my shoulder. "Wha'sit, lass?"  
  
"Bo'sun hates me." It sounds horribly stupid.  
  
Ragetti place a hand on my shoulder, "Bo'sun 'ates everybody." I notice that Ragetti's hand leaves a dirty mark on my shoulder. Strangely enough I stopped caring. Pirate life must be growing on me.  
  
Barbossa has the crew cook me a wonderful dinner. I practically feel like a true queen, sitting here eating with candlelight and everything. Barbossa's intense look on me the whole time I eat doesn't bother me anymore, because I figure he needs it. I mean, poor guy hasn't eaten in ten years; I can at least let him watch me eat. In addition to that, I make sure to tell him how wonderful it all tastes. I swear, he looks like he's about to orgasm. And the creepy thing is that I'm proud of myself.  
  
***  
  
I wake up to my third day on the Black Pearl, and find myself staring into two small, black eyes. Jack the Monkey grins at me and shows me my necklace. I don't know how he got it off, but I'm too groggy to care. When I reach out to grab it, the little devil scampers off. Bugger. I had decided yesterday to sleep in my night-gown, so putting on the dress again is awful.  
  
After half an hour I give up trying to catch the damn monkey, and I just feel like going back to sleep. But I am in no such luck, because I have barely laid down when some ignorant fool knocks on the door.  
  
"Go away."  
  
The door opens nonetheless. Pintel. With his cutlass. I sit up straight, prepared to fight him off in case the order to behead me has been given for some reason. "Relax beauty, I be not goin' t' hurt ya." He looks smug, "Ya wouldn't be able t' stop me, if I wanted t' 'urt ye."  
  
I slumber back on the bed, pinching the bridge of my nose, "Can't blame a lass for tryin'." Oh God, I've started speaking like a pirate. I wanna get off. "Whussap?" There, modern slang to soothe my nerves.  
  
"Ya bored?" He asks.  
  
I nod, and yawn, "Very."  
  
Pintel holds out his cutlass to me.  
  
Sword fighting is harder then it looks. Maybe if I practised three hours a day I would be able to do any good. But after getting totally ass kicked by Pintel for the 1026th time, I've had enough. "That's it, I quit."  
  
Pintel is highly amused, and I'm pissed off now, so I leave the cabin in a hurry. I stop three steps out, remembering that I'm only in my night-gown still, and quickly retreat again. Pintel starts laughing now. I give him a death glare and kick him right in the balls. It sucks that he just keeps on laughing, not feeling any pain at all.  
  
***  
  
I slumber against the railing in the afternoon sun, staring at the land we're sailing past. Ragetti had informed me earlier that it was Cuba. It looks nice enough, and I consider asking Barbossa if we can go there. But then again, he might not have time for that. Who knows? It all depends on when this is. Because we have to wait for Elizabeth to fall into water, otherwise thing will be totally screwed up.  
  
Over dinner I inform Barbossa about some of the finer details of this little operation. He agrees that we lay anchor in a small port half a day from Port Royal. It suits me perfectly. Aztec gold goes in water, we arrive by nightfall. I choose to ignore the fact that they were going to do that anyway, because it makes my brain hurt. And thinking about the fact that I actually am of no use to them at all, makes me nervous. Because I still have the feeling there's only one reason I'm alive, and that is 'cause Barbossa can see some value in me.  
  
I walk into the moonlight, surveying the working skeletons with interest. It's amazing how well this just works, like a well oiled machine really. Oh uh. Very big one that I immediately label as Bo'sun growls at me and gestures at me threateningly. Like an 'I'm gonna snap your neck when the captain's back is turned'- gesture.  
  
I walk to my/Barbossa's cabin rather fast, and find Ragetti and Pintel waiting for me. At least I have my pirate bodyguards. But when I think about it, Ragetti and Pintel are terrified of Bo'sun too. I'm so screwed. I groan, slip onto a chair and let my head fall to the table, "Man, I would kill for a drink."  
  
Pintel's eyes lit up, "I bet we could brin' you someone to kill from Por' Royal."  
  
I give him an apologetic smile, "Not literally, sorry." I yawn and sigh loudly.  
  
"We 'ave lotsa rum," Ragetti says brightly.  
  
I perk up instantly, "Really?"  
  
Ragetti nods enthusiastically, making his eye fall out and roll over the table. The socket must be dry today. I stop and return it without as much as flinching. I've spent too much time with him. "Aye," Pintel answers my question, "Swag, ya know. We don' drink it, but ya can 'ave some if ya like."  
  
"Please," I grin, clapping my hands together in glee. Rum. Real Caribbean rum. I can't wait to taste it. Pintel goes to get a barrel, so I ask Ragetti to sit down. That's when I notice that he is looking pretty depressed. "Hey, what's up Rags?"  
  
"I miss being human," he replies, rubbing his eye absently.  
  
"Stop rubbing it," I say on reflex. He drops the hand to the table. "Hopefully you'll be human again soon," I comfort him. Immediately his eye lights up, and I feel horrible. He won't have chance to enjoy being human. They are captured by the navy. For all we know, they end up getting hanged, the whole bunch. I'm so rotten. And it hurts.  
  
"What's up wit' you, Savan?"  
  
I snap my gaze back to him. Shit, what the hell is going on with me? I don't care. I shouldn't care. These people are evil. They almost kill Will. Remember him? Orlando? The sexiest man alive. And Jack, they marooned Jack on that island. They kill and rob and burn towns to the ground. They're evil!! I can feel my eyes watering up, and a few tears start rolling down my cheeks. Ragetti resembles a hurt puppy when he looks sympathetic. He leans over and wipes the tears away. He flinches. "What?" I ask, stifling a sob.  
  
"I got ye face dirty," he apologises.  
  
I chuckle, wiping my nose in my sleeve, and try my best to wipe my cheeks where I guess he touched. "Did I get it off?" I inquire hopefully.  
  
Ragetti shakes his head, smiling, "No, you only smeared it out."  
  
"Oh." I giggle. It seems bizarre in this situation. That makes me laugh. Soon Ragetti joins in. And so when Pintel comes back with a keg of rum, both of us are laughing so hard we can't even stop to explain why.  
  
"No' gonna ask," Pintel mumbles gruffly, putting the keg on the table.  
  
I try calming my laughter while I fetch three glasses. Before the two of them can protest, I cut them off, "I'm not drinking alone. I don't care that you can't taste it or anything, just do it for me, okay?"  
  
They don't protest.  
  
Three hour later I have three things established. One: Caribbean rum tastes pretty much like crap, but it gets you extremely drunk. Two: Barbossa's shirts smell like monkey. Three: Neither Pintel nor Ragetti can sing.  
  
I take another sip of my glass, grinning over nothing in particular. So here I am, on the floor in Captain Barbossa's cabin, on the Black Pearl, wearing the clothes of a feared, cursed pirate captain because I got tired of wearing a dress that was too small for me, singing 'Yo ho, yo ho a pirate's life for me' with two other cursed pirates. How many people can say they tried that?  
  
"Are ye drunk, lass?"  
  
I roll over on my stomach, smiling stupidly at Pintel, "I'm wearing Barbossa's clothes. Does tha' answer your question?" To emphasise my point I reach up and the table where I left a spare hat of Barbossa's, and put it on. It's not as big as Barbossa's current, but it did well enough for me. I suddenly notice that Pintel once again isn't looking at my face. I follow his gaze. Oh. The shirt is actually lower cut then the dress. I pull it shut, rolling my eyes and drinking the rest of my rum.  
  
"Ye' drunk," Ragetti states, smiling.  
  
I giggle and nod, somehow making my way to where he's laying. "I am very drunk," I proclaim, draping myself over his bony chest. It jumps up and down as he laughs. I'm getting tired...  
  
*** 


	3. Chapter 3: Piracy For Dummies

Xavantina and The Curse of the Black Pearl  
  
Author: Xavantina  
  
Rating: R for now.  
  
Pairings: WT/JS and minor others...  
  
Disclaimer: Every single pirate, monkey, blacksmith and navy-guy belong to Gore Verbinski, Disney and some other people, I'm sure. Too bad, isn't it?  
  
Summary: Shameless Maeglin Yedi styled Mary Sue. Imagine waking up onboard the Black Pearl.  
  
Warnings: Swearing. Slash. Stuff.  
  
***  
  
Chapter Three: Piracy For Dummies  
  
Damn. Sunlight on my face. And my head feels like someone jumped on it last night. And it smells weird here. Why?  
  
"Had fun last night, Miss Holm?"  
  
Not Barbossa this early in the morning. I open my eyes, squinting. He doesn't look all that angry, just amused and maybe a bit surprised. "Very much," I mutter, trying to sit up. I fall off the bed and land at his feet. Jack the Monkey makes a sound that could easily be taken for a laugh. A monkey is mocking me. It's official, my life can't get worse.  
  
"I take it you got tired of wearing the dress I so kindly lent you?" he asks smugly.  
  
I look up at him questioningly, trying to figure out what the hell he is referring to. Then I remember something from last night. Somewhere between the fifth and seventh glass I decided that the dress was gonna go. And the only other clothes I could find in the cabin was... I look down myself... Barbossa's clothes. "Yeah, I felt like being able to breathe," I mutter. I recall Pintel and Ragetti's horrified faces when I started going through Barbossa's stuff, and smacking Pintel because he peeked while I changed. "Where's the dress?"  
  
Barbossa points to the corner, where the dress lay crumbled. I have to admit, this outfit was more comfortable. A little loose some places, and a bit ragged but otherwise perfect. "Normally I would punish anyone for going through my private things, but I'll make an exception with you, Missy."  
  
"Mind if I keep this on?" I ask blatantly, "It smells like monkey, but it's comfy."  
  
Barbossa actually looks totally baffled, but then he chuckles, "If you wish, Miss Holm. If you would only be as kind as to keep the shirt a little more closed when you leave the cabin. I hate to have my crew distracted."  
  
I quickly pull the shirt tight, blushing furiously. Honestly, is there anyone on this ship who hasn't seen my breasts?  
  
***  
  
I had hoped that my seasickness was a chapter long forgotten. It's not. I roll over on my side, groaning pitifully. I had managed to live with the gentle rocking but it got worse over night. I sit up and try swallowing repeatedly. It does me no good.  
  
I reach the railing just in time, and there goes my dinner from last night. I can imagine Barbossa would be disappointed. Around me the pirates are cheering and hooting.  
  
I try the best that I can to walk quickly back inside with high head. I'm about half way when my foot gets stuck in something and I fall forwards. I am seconds from hitting the ground when a pair of strong arms catch me and pull me back up. Hello! I am turned around and find myself facing Barbossa. Who is still holding onto me. And I get away from him a little too quickly, almost stumbling again. Jack chips loudly at me, but I ignore him striding into Barbossa's cabin and closing the doors after my.  
  
I am barely halfway to the bed, when they barge open and P1 and P2 enters with something that I guess is lunch. Ragetti, I have decided that he can be Pirate 1, is rubbing his wooden eye and grinning. Pintel is looking smug. "What?" I demand, taking the not nearly warm enough coffee.  
  
"Got a little snuggle' wit' the Captain, eh?"  
  
I choke and my drink spitting it in poor Ragetti's face. On the pro side he stops rubbing the eye. "Don't scare me like that. I'd rather get snuggle-y with you," I spit at Pintel, and hope that he doesn't take that statement as encouragement. "I'm sick."  
  
Ragetti gives me an apple, "It'll help," he promises. I shrug, vitamin C wouldn't hurt I guess. I wonder if Pintel taught Ragetti all the random stuff he knows. Like the history of Troy and the good effects of fruit.  
  
***  
  
I am not complaining. Honestly, I'm not. But dude, being on the Black Pearl gets boring after a week, especially when you aren't moving anywhere. I sit staring into thin air, waiting for Pintel to make his next move. Playing tic-tac-toe has become his new hobby it would seem, and he is bent on beating me. He still needs to accomplish that.  
  
"Xavan?" I snap out of me trail of thoughts, and absently place my 'X'. I won again. Pintel leaves the cabin, swearing and cursing in a degree that would have made even me blush 10 days ago. Now, I don't even blink. Instead I yawn, and decide to seek out the captain of this little boat/ship. Of course, I realise as I get outside where the sun is high, I actually have no idea where to look for him.  
  
"Getting restless, Miss Holm?" His voice cuts through the air. It's interesting, actually. Very interesting.  
  
I turn around and squint my eyes together to avoid getting blinded by the sun. I wonder what Barbossa is doing at the helm when we aren't moving. I make my way to him, noting that almost all of the crew is below deck, "I can't say I'm on my toes," I admit, stroking Jack as he jumps over to greet me.  
  
Something clicks. It sounds like a gun. Without even thinking I smack Barbossa's pistol away from me, so that it points down at the main-deck instead. He looks impressed. It would appear that training with Ragetti and Pintel did me some good. "Extraordinary," Barbossa comments, and puts his pistol back in his belt.  
  
I roll my eyes and go back to my monkey-petting. And discreetly check that I didn't wet myself.  
  
***  
  
It's all very interesting. I don't even notice the ripple effect, since I am in my cabin playing tic-tac-toe with Pintel again. But he notices. He freezes in his movements, looking around the cabin with wide eyes. "Gold."  
  
My mouth forms a pretty little 'o' and I tactfully get up. Pintel storms out the cabin and I can hear Barbossa barking orders to the crew. The whole ship is suddenly very noisy, compared to the dull silence I have experienced over the last many days.  
  
I suddenly realise that this is it. I'm getting off. My brain clicks and the plan I've been working on for many hours is set to work. I run over to the left side of the cabin and tear open one of Barbossa's treasure chests. I remove the first layer of random stuff and lift the bottom off. Just like in Elizabeth's drawer actually. And it is filled with weapons, just as it was ten days ago. I take a cutlass and two pistols. I go through my plan again as I stuff them away under my clothes. Get onshore and run your ass off. Shoot and slice whatever tries to stop you. It seemed like a reasonable plan when I made it up. Only problem is that I don't want to leave this ship all the sudden.  
  
I walk to one of the windows and look out. They pirates are running around making themselves useful constantly, and soon we are sailing with good speed. As I pass the chest again I kick it shut.  
  
I sit at the dinning table for some time, absently biting my nails. Somewhere in the next hour Barbossa comes in shortly to inform me that we are sailing towards Port Royal, and that we should be there by nightfall. I am honoured that he wished to share this with me, and it also proves that he has trust in my information. When he turns to leave I feel even worse.  
  
***  
  
Cannons are loud. I can practically feel a headache luring in the front of my skull. But there's no time to think about that. I take a swing of the rum I saved behind my bed and then stride towards the door...  
  
"Better keep it secret," I say to myself and find one of Barbossa's hats. Pulling it down so it cowers my face just as well as Anamaria managed, I slip out of the cabin. Just as I planned, things are still going along like everything has been planned for years. Of course Barbossa has had ten years or more to perfect his crew, so it's no wonder how perfectly everything works. Every one of the men knows what to do and when to do it. Except me, as I soon notice. The fact that I'm standing still is a dead give away already.  
  
But quickly I'm shoved along. I suspect it was Bo'sun who did the shoving actually. How ironic is that? I end up going towards the boats, and just for the sake of a small amount of comfort, I get a place in the one with Pintel and Ragetti in it. Pulling the hat down even more, I realise that the pirates don't care about who is around them anymore. They are so bend on fighting that they are quite oblivious to everything else around them.  
  
When we reach the shore, I try not to make myself noticed. It turns out to be a bad strategy though, I'm being led along by the horde of pirates. There suddenly seems to be a lot more of them then usual. I follow the group with Ragetti and Pintel in it, waiting for a chance to slip away unnoticed.  
  
Who was I kidding when I thought it would be easy. A whole bunch of navy dudes, and they are all ready for shooting us down. And unlike the rest of the pirates, I can be hurt. And I feel like wetting myself.  
  
So when the pirates start fighting and, frankly, slaughtering the soldiers, I keep to the back. That's when it happens. Somehow Ragetti has been busy killing off one of the redcoats, and another one has come up behind him, aiming and getting ready to shoot. A part of my suddenly pro-pirate twisted brain is screaming that it isn't going to hurt him at all. But the basic protecting instinct doesn't care, it would seem. Without hesitation I pull out one of my guns and shot.  
  
It's actually funny stuff going through my head at this moment. I remember being a kid, going to the firing-range with my Dad and shooting all night. I guess he always on some level wished he'd had a son, and therefor he didn't expect that much of me. He was so proud when I got good at shooting.  
  
The bullet hits the guy right in the forehead and he drops to the ground. Ragetti looks confused, he turns around and stare at the guard for a second then back at me, "Savan!!"  
  
"Sch," I hush him irately, but Pintel has heard the outburst.  
  
He twirls around and stares at me open mouthed, "What are ye doing' 'ere?"  
  
I don't know. Honestly, I don't remember. And I just killed someone. I stare at the guy, breathing heavily. I hear the gun clatter as it hits the ground, telling me that I apparently dropped it. I just killed that guy. And for no good reason. Ragetti seizes my arm and drags me along. We're on our way to the governor's house, I deduct. I can hear Pintel hissing stuff in my ear, but I can't make out what he is actually saying. But he sounds angry. And concerned. I smile for a bit. He is frightened for me, how sweet... I killed a person.  
  
Suddenly I feel another pair of hands on me. Brutally I am pulled from Ragetti, and on pure instinct I scream. A whole bunch of navy people have turned up out of nowhere, and now I look like a person who needs to be saved, apparently. Because I am not getting shot, I am being carried off while the rest of my little gang is fighting the rest of the guards. I kick and claw with all my might, but the guy carrying me seems unaffected by my efforts. Typical.  
  
In a last desperate attempt of escape I pull the cutlass out and put it to the guy's throat. Wrong move it would seem. I'm dropped and before I hit the ground I feel a sharp pain in the back of my head. Then the world turns black.  
  
***  
  
... "This one was rescued from the pirate's clutches. She was in shock and had to be locked up to prevent her from harming herself and others."  
  
I snort loudly, cracking open an eye. Well what do you know, it's Gillette. I sit up and look around. I'm in prison. The Black Pearl seems more appealing all the sudden. And my head hurts like hell. Outside my cell is the already mentioned Gillette and a couple of other people that I don't recognise.  
  
"Not that I'm not thankful or anything, but would you let me out?" I drawl, rubbing the back of my head and giving the lieutenant a grumpy look.  
  
Being the prude he obviously is, Gillette takes offence of my tone, "I'm afraid I can't do that, Miss...?"  
  
"Smith." I smirk when he scribbles it down. Not that it'll matter anyway.  
  
"You will be let out when we are sure your mental condition is stable." At my look, he only smirks smugger than I did, "Good day, Miss Smith." I walks away and the other navy dudes follow him. Little prick. Probably needs to get laid. Not that I'm volunteering, God no.  
  
I get up slowly, stretching my sore limbs. Being passed out on a stone floor is really bad for your body. I walk over to the bars and look around. It all empty. I tiny bit of light shines through the dungeon-like room, telling me that it has turned to day.  
  
That's when I realise for real, where I am. Here in the keep. The day after the pirates attack Port Royal. That means, that if I'm lucky... "Captain Jack?"  
  
No one responds, and I sigh. God damn it, now I'll be stuck here forever. And I'll never see Ragetti or Pintel again. I bet Barbossa is mad at them now. I mean, in some way it's all their fault, if you see it from his point of view. Why did I wanna get off that ship again?  
  
"Aye?"  
  
I snap my eyes open, and move to the far right of my cell, "Captain Jack Sparrow?"  
  
"The one and only."  
  
It sounds like him all right. Slightly slurred and everything. I wish I could hug him to death. "So, Twigg and Koehler didn't see me when they were here," I murmur, more to myself then to the Captain.  
  
I hear Jack get up and move towards me, "If ye don' mind me askin' love, how did ye know they were down 'ere, if you were all knocked out?" A paused, "And how did ye know 'em to begin with?"  
  
I figure that Jack is a good guy to befriend at this stage, if I want to get out of here, "I just know. I'm psychic or something, take your pick. As for knowing them, I just spend almost two weeks on the Pearl." I roll the 'r' in Pearl for dramatic effect. "You get to know people."  
  
Jack is silent for several second, "That's very interesting."  
  
"I know," I grin, sitting down on the floor, "Gives me inside knowledge, you know." Jack doesn't respond, and it unsettles me a bit. Shouldn't he be, like, going all 'oooo' or 'wow' or a least ask how I managed to stay alive?  
  
I hear a weird sound from Jack's cell. I look out and see that he has started trying to pick the lock. I silently wonder how long it'll take for Will to arrive. And what the hell I'm going to do. But I don't get time to make a plan, because suddenly the door to the prison opens, and the man himself, Will Turner comes jumping down the stairs.  
  
While he talks to Jack I stay completely silent, still trying to work on my plan. But my only suggestion involves having sex with Jack many times, and that doesn't really get me anywhere. It only makes me hot and bothered.  
  
I'm busy thinking of ways to get back to the Pearl, when I suddenly hear my 'name' mentioned, "If you spring me from this cell I swear on pain of death I shall take you to the Black Pearl and your bonny lass. Do we have an accord?"  
  
The sound of shaking hands. Then Jack goes off script, "And Miss Smith in the next cell goes free too."  
  
Will is suddenly standing before me, giving first me then Jack questioning looks, "Why?"  
  
"The goodness of my heart," Jack swears.  
  
I somehow doubt that strongly. But who cares, Will gets the door off my cell and I jump out as quickly as I can. After the brief showdown that is Jack pointing a pistol at Will's face, we make our way out.  
  
After we turn the nearest corner, Jack stops and looks me over. "Funny ou'fit, love."  
  
"It's Barbossa's," I say, trying to check his reaction. There is none, and now I'm getting annoyed.  
  
As we make out way to the docks, I can't help but feel slightly worried about what purpose I really serve Jack...  
  
*** 


	4. Chapter 4: Commandeering and Life on the...

Xavantina and The Curse of the Black Pearl

Author: Xavantina

Rating: R for now.

Pairings: WT/JS and others…

Summary: Shameless Maeglin Yedi styled Mary Sue. Imagine waking up onboard the Black Pearl.

Disclaimer: Every single pirate, monkey, blacksmith and navy-guy belong to Gore Verbinski, Disney and some other people, I'm sure. Too bad, isn't it?

Warnings: Swearing. Slash. Stuff.

XXX

Chapter Four: Commandeering and Life on the Interceptor

I wonder if it is because Barbossa's boots are slightly too big for me, or because they are just plainly impractical, that they fill up with water like this. I don't get why we have to run around in water to begin with.

"We're gonna steal a ship?"

I give Will's neck a sarcastic look, and turn to admire the Dauntless. She sure is impressive. And a lot bigger then the Black Pearl. I want one of those when I get rich.

"Commandeer. We're going to commandeer that ship," Jack says, pointing at the Interceptor. He sounds like he's thinking just as I'm thinking. Can Will get any stupider? I give myself a mental slap for thinking about Mr. Hot like that.

I tune out and try to think. What should I do after this? I mean, I'll go with Jack and Will to Tortuga, but that's all I have for now. A part of me starts lecturing me about being good and true. But really I wanna go back to Ragetti and Pintel. And Barbossa. Hell, I'd be happy to get sneered at by Bo'sun. I don't know why. Jack just isn't behaving like I hoped he was going to.

"Good. No worries then." Jack starts trotting on. "Let's make haste, kids."

"No way." I make my way in the opposite direction, heading straight for the Interceptor.

Jack finally shows any reaction to my doings. "You can't do that Missy."

I smirk. He sounds worried that I'll screw up his plan, I guess. "I don't climb, and I'm not going under that boat. I'll see you on the Interceptor." Saluting, turned and marched on. Honestly, how hard can it be to sneak onboard a ship?

XXX

Hard enough, it would seem. Five muskets are pointed at me, their owners each looking pretty angry. So, I'd made my way to the Interceptor without much trouble. And I even managed to sneak onboard. But then came the navy people. "Hi guys," I try hopefully. Maybe they're as stupid as the ones Jack had to deal with. I'll give it a shot, "Mind if I borrow this little boat of yours? I gotta go see a pirate about a necklace his monkey stole from me."

They don't buy it. In fact, one of them calls out for "Commodore!" and I guess that's a bad sign. What had I expected anyway, I'm a woman wearing a pirate outfit and trying to pull a Jack-Sparrow on them.

I snap out of it, when I suddenly come to realise who is coming my way. Another fangirlish moment. (I wonder why Jack and Will didn't make me all giddy? They _must_ be shagging.) What do you know, Norrington is looking all buff. And like that wasn't enough, he has Groves and some other fans following him like little puppy dogs. Or buttmonkeys, depends on how you see it.

"Commodore, this lady tried to sneak onboard the Interceptor." Norrington eyes me up and down. Stops at my chest, and I figure that the shirt is being open again.

"Did she really?" Oh dear, he's using his slightly sarcastic and evil voice. I think I'm melting into a puddle. "Lock her up." The big bad commodore begins walking back to shore, Groves in his tail.

I roll my eyes, and let myself be dragged along. This plan turned out to be shit, if only... I stop abruptly, and twist my head around. Jackpot. "Commodore, your Lieutenant seems to be distressed about something."

Norrington stops, and give me a searching look. I nudge my head backwards, and he pulls out his spyglass. I refrain from giggling at his baffled expression. But he quickly becomes all calm and collected again. "Rash, Turner, too rash. That is without doubt the worst pirate I have ever seen." How I'd wish to be there when Groves goes 'Best pirate I've ever seen'. But I'm in no such luck.

Norrington barks orders around quickly, and like I hoped only a single guard is spared to lock me up again. And as soon as we are around the nearest mountain of different cargo, I flash him and then kick him in the balls. Works like a charm.

Turns out it's a lot easier to sneak onboard a ship when it's leaving. Nobody brothers to even give me a second look, so I calmly install myself in the captain's cabin. It's not Barbossa's but it'll do for two days.

We make it out of the bay pretty quickly, and soon I spot the Dauntless out the window. She's massive this close up. Feeling a little too smug for my own liking I stroll outside on the deck, and watch as each and every single person apart from me jump over on the Dauntless. I wonder if anyone would actually be stupid enough to do that in real life. Ah well, this is a movie after all.

"Howdy boys," I greet cheerfully and tip an imaginary hat at the two heroes as they come swinging. They only stare at me. While Will cuts the robes, I follow Jack to the helm.

"Ya sure is psychic," Jack remarks. Well I'm happy you noticed pal! He turns around and notes that Norrington has become aware of our brilliant (if I should say it myself) commandeering. He shouts with a smile, "Thank you, Commodore, for getting us ready to make way. We'd have had a hard time of it by ourselves."

I duck down as they start shooting at us. Jack is grinning like a madman. I slowly inch away from him. I get up when the shooting stops and looks back at the Dauntless. They're running around like ants, and I guess that they just found out about Jack destroying the wheel or whatever. I smile softly and quote my favourite line in this part of the movie, "That has got to be the best pirate I've ever seen."

Jack smiles broadly at me, obviously flattered. His teeth are better then the other pirate's. That proves that evil has bad teeth, I deduct. So in case I run into anybody and I can't label them good or bad, I'll just have them show me their teeth. Sounds like a plan.

I wonder if Gillette is all right. I ask Jack if he has one of those binoculars. When he stares, I try asking for a spyglass. Bingo. I can't see any people in the water around the Dauntless, but then again this is a very fast ship and we have moved a long way already. Even though the dear Lieutenant is a stuck up tight-ass with no sense of fun, I still can't help but pray he didn't get mashed by the giant ship. Or any of the other ship/boat guys. Because that would really hurt like hell.

Eventually I remember that Gillette appears again. Could have saved me some worry. I wish I could memorise the whole movie, it would make this a whole lot less painful.

So this allows me to focus on the stuff that matters. Like being stuck on a ship with the two sexiest men ever.

XXX

How anybody in the world can't see this, is a mystery to me. Will constantly gives Jack fleeting looks. Jack is just undressing Will with his eyes. And normally I wouldn't mind. But I'm actually feeling pretty left out. Maybe I should have stayed in Port Royal and hooked up with Norrington. At least he would have stared at my cleavage. Unless he's getting it on with Gillette. With my luck these days, he probably is.

The night after we left Port Royal I wake in the middle of the night. Moaning from Will's cabin. Loud. "Oh Jack, yes... Right there." I smirk in the darkness, the slasher in me having a party.

But after 20 minutes of "Oh God Jack!", "Harder! Faster!", "Fuck, Will, you'r so tight" and such it starts to annoy me. I am tired, and apparently Jack and Will both have medals in the art of 'keeping it up' or so to speak. Burying my head in the pillow, I try to block them out, and eventually fall asleep.

XXX

There's no coffee on the Interceptor. Only very little rum, and I'm worried that Jack will find it and drink it all if he notices that I'm drunk. It's terribly hot today. Jack sings worse then Pintel, and he seems totally oblivious to it. Maybe I'd be able to manage if I were drunk.

But all those things pale compared to the worst fact of all. Will practises three hours a day all right. Shirtless. And I swear I'm about to jump off this stupid boat right now. But instead I've decided to sit myself next to Jack, who is at the helm, and enjoy the view. Only watching. Damn it's hard not to drool.

"Nice ass," I comment.

When I turn me head to check Jack's reaction to my remark, Jack grins at me. "Fine indeed." He notes for me to get up, "Take the wheel, love. I 'ave to go tighten the ropes on the foresail."

I have no idea what the hell that is, even though I'm pretty sure Ragetti mentioned it once. Nevertheless I get up and carefully take the wheel. Jack strides down past Will, smacking him on the ass as he walks by. I close my eyes and squeeze the wooden handles on the wheel. Not jealousy anymore, but a desperate want to see them shag. Wonder if Jack would mind?

Will squeaked when Jack smacked him. I take the time to giggle, which earns me a nasty glare from Will. Wonder how someone who can shout and moan (and a lot of other sounds) when shagging, can still manage to be so uptight. "You seem more... tense then you did last night," I say, leaning against the wheel and smiling like the Cheshire cat.

Will frowns and changes his stance to what I label as 'defensive'. "What do you mean?"

He's asking for it. "I mean," I start, deliberately talking way to slow, "That you jump when he gropes you now, but last night you didn't seem to be bothered." When Will looks like he is about to deny, I interrupt in a twisted parody of the young Turner's voice. "Oh yes, Jack, right there! Fuck me harder, Jack! Don't stop! I'm coming! Oh, JACK!"

Will is torn between fleeing and crying, from what I can see. His blushes violently, but then again I'm blushing too. Can't believe I just did that. Will's reaction is making a U-turn. He strides over to me, sword pulled out. Fuck. Major fuck.

"Can't blame the lass for telling the truth. You did get pretty vocal."

Jack! Saved by the pirate who did the shagging. I sigh in relieve as Will sulks but puts his sword down. Jack winks at me, and takes the wheel again. Will goes back to practising, and the two of us watch him in silence for some time. "You shagged his father too, non?"

Jack stares at me wide-eyed, then shifts uncomfortably, "Aye, I did." I guess the dear Captain is beginning to realise that I know more then I let on. In this case however, it was a lucky guess. And very likely, if you ask me.

"Jack?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I borrow your eyeliner?" I ask, because I know how bad I actually look without make-up. And eyeliner is a must.

Jack looks confused, "Borrow my what?"

Oh yeah, it's probably not called eyeliner. Eh, come on brain, you've read tons of fics, it's has got to be in one of them. "Coal!" I cry triumphantly.

Jack frowns at me, but digs into one of his pockets and pulls out a piece. I accept it with a grateful smile. And realise that I have no mirror. After searching around the entire ship for a shiny surface, and finding nothing but windows that reflect really poorly, I decide to try my luck.

And nearly poke my eye out. Bloody wonderful. I'm so busy cursing and holding a hand to my injured eye, I don't even notice Jack kneeling down beside my, "Easy love," he whispers in a comforting voice. "Let Captain Jack have a look."

I practically freeze, but allow him to pull my hand from my eye. Tears are streaming down steadily, and I sniff as my nose starts running too. Jack is awfully close as he examines my eye. Prick. I'm getting naughty thoughts now, and he's shagging Will.

"Nothing serious," he says, petting my cheek, "Only a bit red."

"Hurts," I mutter. I wonder why he is acting so nice all the sudden. Maybe he has figured that I'm on the verge of breakdown.

Jack picks up the coal piece, "Sit still." Very carefully he applies it under both my eyes, "A lil' Sparrow junior."

I smile at him, and allow myself to be pulled up when he offers. I do notice that Will is glaring at me. He almost looks... jealous? Dearest William, jealous of a girl? I feel like laughing. As far as I can see in the windows that reflect like crap, I'm looking a whole lot more badass now.


	5. Chapter 5: Fun in Tortuga

Xavantina and The Curse of The Black Pearl

Author: Xavantina

Rating: R for now.

Pairings: WT/JS and others…

Summary: Shameless Maeglin Yedi styled Mary Sue. Imagine waking up onboard the Black Pearl.

Disclaimer: Every single pirate, monkey, blacksmith and navy-guy belong to Gore Verbinski, Disney and some other people, I'm sure. Too bad, isn't it?

Warnings: Swearing. Slash. Stuff.

XXX

Chapter 5: Fun in Tortuga

I sail into Tortuga less then amused. Not only have I been forced to sail this ship for over half a day, while Jack and Will have sex various place. I've also been forced to listen to them. And watch a single time. Not in a hot way, in a 'you can only see a little bit, and it's not enough'-way. At least I'll be able to write lots of slash when I get home. Will/Jack in the captain's cabin. Will/Jack below deck. Will/Jack up against the foremast. Will/Jack... I miss company that doesn't do it like bunnies.

"Ye not gonna wear tha', are you?"

I manage to drop the anchor, and give Jack a searching look, "What do you mean exactly?"

Jack grins, "I mean, love, that you might wanna dress a little less..." he pauses, eyeing me up and down.

"Like a pirate male?" I enquire, putting my hands on my hip in a hostile gesture.

It doesn't affect Jack's mood or opinion though, "Aye, exactly."

"Too bad." I walk past him with my nose pointing high, "I'm not gonna dress like the rest of the females on this rock."

XXX

I think I want the other dress back. This one smells of things that I don't want to smell of. And it's just as tight and even more slutty. And it's green. Green is not my colour. I'm an autumn person, it goes with my hair. And when speaking of my hair, I wonder if the henna-red colour has anything to do with the number of men who have tried to feel me up already. If so, I'll pay lots for some black hair dye right now.

Jack promised me that I could change back to my pirate outfit tomorrow. Something about attracting unwanted attention. When he puts it like that, I can't really argue. Well, I did anyway, but when Jack ends a sentence with 'Savvy' what is there to do? And honestly, people would notice me more if I were to run around in my Barbossa getup. Not that I can remember anyone who could be in Tortuga right now, that we don't want to notice us. But I'm tired of arguing, so here I am. In a dress we stole from a whore. Wonder if I can sink any lower.

Watching Jack getting bitch-slapped is vaguely amusing, but I politely refuse to go in the pigsty to get Gibbs. No thank you. I hate pigs. For someone who grew up in the country and visited my grandmother, who had a whole farm filled with them, twice a week, I hate pigs surprisingly much. It's the smell. And as Gibbs comes out with Jack and Will, I mentally remark the he could use several more buckets of water to remove said pig-smell. Pintel smells better them this, for crying out loud.

"Miss Smith," Jack comments offhandedly, gesturing at me. Maybe I should inform the good guys of my real name? Nah, what does it matter? That I trust pirates more... Moving on!

Gibbs eyes me up and down suspiciously, "Jack, is it wise to buy pleasurable company for this?"

I blink a few times before the message sinks in. "Prick!" I sneer, both at Gibbs and Jack for the matter. The latter is trying to hide his grin less then successfully. "I'm not a whore, no matter what outfit I'm forced into."

"Honest mistake," Jack leers, throwing an arm around my shoulder and guiding me along. "No reason to make a scene, love."

I wanna kick him, but I figure that would qualify as 'making a scene'.

XXX

The air in the bar is heavy, just like the noise. I can't help but flinch every time a gun is fired, because clearly, you never know if you're going to be shot in here. But still, I manage to focus on the thing that annoys me the most.

"Why does everything in this damn movie smell?"

Will looks confused, "Mo...vy?"

I mentally smack myself, "I meant, eh, country." Jack comes walking calmly through the hordes of fighting, shooting and shagging people, and gives me a glass of rum, "Figured you needed it," he says, then adds to Will, "Keep a sharp eye. And watch her." He nods down at me and I sneer a bit. Jack ignores the gesture and strides over to Gibbs. I'm not bothered that he wants me out of the conversation, I'd rather stay close to Will and his sword anyway... Jack has a sword too though...

"I don't know," Will answers, to my previous question.

I take a sip of my rum. Tastes worse then the one on The Pearl. Or maybe I just repressed that taste. "I wouldn't be able to stand living a place like this," I remark, taking a deep breath and then a deep drink. And burp.

Will eyes me in a disdainful way, "You are less than a lady."

"Why, thank you." I don't like to snap at him, but I'm not in a very good mood. I lean casually in direction of Jack and Gibbs, and try to catch some of their conversation. Just for kicks, because to be honest I always fast-forward over this part.

It's hard to hear their conversation with all the background noise. The skinny, but cute, little whore has approached Will while I was trying to eavesdrop, and he is shifting in my direction nervously.

"Buzz off, pip-squeak, he's taken," I state venomously. She glares at me with a slight pout, then scampers off. At Will's questioning look, I add, "No need to tell her I'm not the one who did the taking." When he blushes scarlet, I smirk and drain my rum.

That when we hear someone say 'leverage'. Will goes all mope-face, but I happily overhear everything said beyond that. This place is feeling better by the minute. Nice rum.

I wonder what it is that makes Will go all macho and defensive, knocking over tables and pulling out his sword. But it's kinda embarrassing.

"A bit of a stick, isn't he?"

I stride over to Jack and Gibbs, nodding, "You have no idea," I say simultaneously with Jack. Both of the pirates gawk at me, but I feel too amused to care. I sit down in the chair next to Jack, take his cup and drain the final bit of rum that's in it. "So, Captain, when's dinner?" We didn't have what I would call a meal yesterday, because frankly the Interceptor wasn't all that loaded with food, like The Pearl was. I miss Nipperkin's mashed potatoes.

"I 'poss we'll 'ave to get a room then." Jack sounds grumpy. Bet he hoped we could go without food for another day. I'll show him.

"Will?"

William comes over, fidgeting with his sword and looking embarrassed. The poor dear. "Don't worry, sweety, it's perfectly natural for you to be nervous here," I comfort him quickly, "Are you just as hungry as I am?"

He looks at Jack momentarily, then back at me, "Why?"

"Jack sounds like he thinks dinner is a bad thing," I whisper, while keeping my face deadly serious. "Or he's pissed I drank the last of his rum," I add, smirking.

"That's it," Jack declares, standing up, "I'll get a room and food. But only for one night, savvy?"

I salute him and get up too, "Aye, Captain. I want my steak medium, 'k?"

XXX

Maybe we should have stayed on the Interceptor. I could have called the captain's cabin. I bet the madras is better then this one. The walls in this place are paper-thin, and I'm pretty sure this is a whore-house, more than it is a hotel. I'd gladly have to listen to Jack and Will, rather then various whores and their customers. Because every single person I've seen on this rock is ugly. And it's better to listen to attractive people having sex, because you are bound to imagine what they are doing, visually. And I don't do ugly people, no pun intended. Well, they don't have to be super models, just cute maybe.

The food was horrible. Tasted like old shoes put in a cauldron and then boiled for half a year. Can't believe Jack would refer to it as soup.

Speaking of the Devil, he hasn't come back yet. Said he was going out for a drink. Will has dosed off, but I'm trying to stay awake for a bit. But I don't know how long Jack usually stays out drinking. Oh yeah, another thing. There was only one room, so we're all sharing. Hopefully Will is going to pull the 'I have a headache'-card when Jack comes back. I don't want to be in the same room, that will be the thing that makes me jump off a bridge. Unless they leave the lights on.

I would guess it was around three. I close my eyes for some time, but swear to stay awake. When suddenly there's a gunshot. And a small hole appears in the wall closest to me, about a foot from my head. Light streams through it, and I notice that it hits another hole on the other side off the room. Right above Will.

He has woken up, that's for sure. There's another shot, and this one sounds noisier. Because I'm fully awake maybe? It comes through the wall a bit above my middle. And I'm scared now. Not 'pirates are going to kill me' scared. Really scared out of my wits. Scared to a degree where I can feel my eyes pricking and tears forming, "Will?" I choke out.

"Yes?" He sounds shaken, but trying to remain calm.

Without another word I scramble quickly out of my bed, falling over my boots. I make my way to his side of the room and crawl into his bed. Luckily he doesn't seem to mind. As I curl into a ball and lean up against him, he places an arm around my shoulder. He squeezes me reassuringly. I sniffle pathetically, and bury my face in his chest, "I'm scared."

Will pets my hair carefully, uncertainly. Like he doesn't know what to do, "I'm scared too," he confesses, stroking my cheek once.

"I wanna go home," I mutter, taking a ragged breath.

"Me too." Will sighs and rests his chin on top of my head. This feels nice. And when I think about it, I'm actually happy that I have no shot at Will. I won't screw up any romantic possibilities. And in addition to that, this proves that Will doesn't hate me. And I'm starting to like the whelp. In a friendly way. Go me! Somewhere along the line, I stop being terrified. Will's steady heartbeat and breathing is slowly lulling me to sleep. He doesn't smell as bad as the pirates.


End file.
